Is It Proper To Have Gender Disappointment?

A reader, S.W., of New Jersey, sent in this question for the Rabbis panel: Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about “gender disappointment” when a woman gives birth, to the point where she reaches out for support on social media. I’ve heard words being used such as “mourning,” which to me sounds terrible, especially when a woman is, b”H, giving birth to a healthy baby. It doesn’t sound in-line with daas Torah. I would love to hear the opinions of the rabbanim on this matter.

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A child is a gift from the Ribbono Shel Olam. It is the height of chutzpah to “mourn” Hashem’s gift! We Jews believe in hashgacha peratit and embrace all of Hashem’s decisions. What horrible behavior it is to mourn the birth of a Jewish child, especially after the Holocaust and October 7!

– Rabbi Chaim Jachter is a prominent rabbi who serves as the rabbi at Congregation Shaarei Orah, the Sephardic Congregation of Teaneck, and is a popular Torah teacher at the Torah Academy of Bergen County. He also serves as a Dayan on the Beth Din of Elizabeth and has acquired an international reputation of excellence in the area of Get administration. He has authored sixteen books on issues ranging from contemporary Halacha, Tanach, Aggada, and Jewish Thought all available on Amazon.

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It’s interesting that among the berachos that we recite every morning are Shelo asani goy, Shelo asani aved and Shelo asani isha (Hashem has not made me a non-Jew; a (Cana’anite) slave; a woman). And obviously the last of these three requires a substitution if the one reciting is a woman, and that is She’asani kirtzono – He has made according to His will.

Now, the question why the need to differentiate the genders with this last blessing that we mentioned, perhaps there is no need at all for this blessing? The answer is that there are definite physical differences between the genders and our Sages teach that women are free of any obligation to perform time related mitzvos. Among those obligations is thrice-daily prayer (though many women have accustomed themselves to nevertheless pray).

Thus, man and woman are equal but different, a woman is entrusted with the role of creating the home and future generations. The man, on the other hand, is engaged in Torah study and supporting the household. Each has their proper role.

According to the Rambam (Hilchos Ishus, chap. 15:4) the requirement to fulfill the mitzvah of peru u’revu – to procreate – is to have (at the minimum) a son and a daughter.

Possibly in such a scenario where one has had only sons or only daughters there might be gender disappointment when they do not have that daughter or son that they so seek; such disappointment would be understood not only as human nature but as a sign of their anxiety at not contributing to the continuation of the species, as the Torah states (Bereishis 1:27) “Zachar u’nekeva bara osam – Male and female did He create them.”

Nevertheless, there is a story that I was told that Rav Yaakov Yitzchok Ruderman, zt”l, the Ner Yisrael founder and rosh yeshiva only had the one daughter, Rebbetzin Chana Weinberg. However, when she gave birth to a son, he celebrated because not only did she present her husband and herself with a son, but she also presented her father, as well, with a male progeny and thus his obligation of peru u’revu was fulfilled.

– Rabbi Yaakov Klass is chairman of the Presidium of the Rabbinical Alliance of America; rav of Congregation K’hal Bnei Matisyahu in Flatbush, Brooklyn; and Torah editor of The Jewish Press. He can be contacted at [email protected] and [email protected].

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There is nothing wrong with the desire to have a child of a specific gender. Not only that but having that child may represent the fulfillment of the mitzvah of having children. In addition, Chazal speak of certain advantages of one gender over the other. Despite the above when a person is blessed with the birth of a child, it would seem to be a great act of kofuy tovah to allow what should be at most a mild disappointment to mar the simcha of being the great recipient of the kindness of Hashem. We must also trust in Hashem that he knows what’s best for us.

G-d does not owe us anything and yet He still showers us with great beracha. Certainly, to live by this mentality in the gut is an elevated level. But for a person who finds themselves in the midst of a great simcha, to express a feeling of mourning, is a kilkul hamidos. This feeling is growing out of a sense of entitlement, a bad middah prevalent in our days. Society around us gives us the feeling that we are meant to have it all. The Torah way is the opposite; we must work to see that everything is the kindness of our loving Father who does not owe us a thing.

Second, the phenomenon of gender disappointment reflects a severe misunderstanding of the purpose of children. Children are not mere playthings or accessories; they are the future, the guarantors of our continuity and the conduits of our values and traditions. The Jewish people have survived for millennia because each generation has embraced the divine imperative to have children, to educate them in the ways of the Torah, and to imbue them with a love for G-d and His commandments.

It is a sad commentary on contemporary society that so many view children as a burden rather than a blessing, that they are more concerned with their own desires and conveniences than with the future of the Jewish people. It is our duty to remind them of the precious gift that children truly are, regardless of their gender.

May we all merit to raise our children in the ways of our ancestors, to instill within them a love for Torah and mitzvos, and to see them grow into proud members of the Jewish nation.

– Rabbi Steven Pruzansky is the spiritual leader of Congregation Bnai Yeshurun in Teaneck, New Jersey. He is the author of a weekly column in The Jewish Press and author of several books, including “A Prophet for Today: Contemporary Lessons of the Book of Yonah.”

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