A Soldier’s Return To Home Life

When a soldier returns from the front lines, for a few days, weeks, or even longer, he or his family often notice that he is not fully “there.” The soldier may be irritable, on edge, or alternatively, withdrawn or subdued. He may feel overwhelmed by the pace of daily activities, and may have stretches of psychological absence when he daydreams or loses focus while at home. He may also experience sudden rushes of emotion that are difficult to explain or predict, or any number of other indicators that he is not fully adjusted to regular civilian life.

The present war in Israel features unique qualities that make this struggle more likely. For example, when United States military service members were deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan, the tour of duty was typically between 6-12 months, and sometimes longer. Being away from home for this duration creates certain types of challenges, both for the soldier and for his family. But in these cases, the clear delineation between the battlefield and the home front can make readjustment a little easier. Additionally, the soldier’s family is not exposed to the war zone, and they are not receiving hourly updates about the progress and failures of battle.

The experience of the typical IDF soldier in this war, however, has been very different. More than a few times I have heard soldiers on the phone with their wife, girlfriend, or parent arranging their schedule for when they will be driven back to war – the Israeli population’s close proximity to the combat theater is unheard of in the western world. Soldiers leave Gaza on Thursday and grab their belongings from the base to come home for Shabbos, only to return to war on Sunday morning. Even for those who receive longer leave, they and their families remain enveloped by news of the war, and families are coping with the stress of living in a war zone. Warplanes may fly overhead, they may have to spend time in their bomb shelters, and soldiers on leave also typically have a sibling, cousin, or close friend who is still in Gaza. One can understand how mentally separating from combat is especially tough in these circumstances.

Chazal also recognized the challenges associated with quieting and refocusing one’s mind after a transition or major life event. The Gemara in Eruvin (65a) teaches that many amora’im refrained from davening because they felt unable to settle their minds and focus with appropriate kavanah, including the following ruling which is codified in halacha (Rambam Hilchos Tefillah 4:15): “Rabbi Elazar said: One who returns home from a journey should not pray for three days.” The Gemara records that this was, indeed, the practice of the amora Shmuel’s father. The rishonim and later poskim discuss at length how this halacha applies to present day laws of davening, but the underlying observation, that disruptive events can impact even the most spiritually attuned people for days at a time, provides a profound insight that speaks to the challenges of our soldiers and their families.

The prooftext for this ruling demonstrates that this concern about focus is not limited to issues of prayer. When Ezra led the Jewish people’s return to Israel to rebuild the Beis HaMikdash, he listed the families who returned with him. Ezra (8:15) writes: “I assembled them at the flowing river, at the Ahava, and we encamped there for three days. I then scrutinized the people and the Kohanim, but I could find no Levi’im there.” The commentators explain that this inspection required concentration, and Ezra had to wait for three days before he felt fit to apply such careful scrutiny. We learn from that any task that requires mental focus can be impaired for days after an arduous life experience.

Notably, this Talmudic recommendation of three days of rest has also been found by contemporary science. In a recent scientific article (Salonen et al., 2019), researchers found that a three-day rest period help soldiers’ stress hormones return to baseline after intense training exercises. Other research has found that stress hormones can be elevated for up to two weeks following intense military training (see Tait et al., 2022). We might speculate that the expected impact following actual combat exposure may be longer than these two weeks. It can also take time for the soldier’s family to readjust to his presence in the home where they had developed a routine in his absence.

There are clinical skills that can assist a soldier to improve his mindfulness and psychological presence when he returns home, and meeting with a mental health professional can be very helpful in this regard. But sometimes the soldier and his family are most bothered by the worry that their difficulty adjusting is not normal and reflects severe psychological distress. Soldiers may feel guilty and helpless that they are not able to be as active around the house or with their kids, and spouses may feel frustrated that instead of another helpful pair of hands, the returning soldier requires support to get through the day. In some cases, the most impactful intervention is to help them realize that this is a very normal experience, and to provide information about what to expect. We can also take direction from Chazal who did not regard the inability to immediately return to regular psychological functioning as a moral failure, or even as something that had to be fixed. We do not find statements of guilt or self-criticism because of their unsettled minds. Instead, they recognized this reality as a fact of life, and they displayed patience in confronting this reality.

As this war continues, these challenges remain relevant for many thousands of soldiers and their families. We pray that with Hashem’s help and the community’s support, the families will be resilient through these difficult times.

Source link